Love and Relationship Expert

Do good looks and charm really get you to where you want to be?  I know that I am drawn to an attractive, good-looking child and I think to myself ‘that child will be successful in life’.  But is that all it takes?  Probably not, but it may well help to climb the career ladder.

Of course, we need to have the skills of our trade or profession, whether we are the CEO or an office cleaner, it makes no difference, we all have our role to fulfil in the workplace. So you would probably agree that hard work and tenacity are important elements in success but would you put ‘charm’ and ‘good looks’ in the same category?

I was interested to read a poll from Volunteer Reading Help, a UK children’s literacy charity, of 500 CEOs, managers and executives earning over £70,000 ($100,000) per year suggesting that hard work, looks and charm are routes to the top.   
With the economic climate as it is at the moment, many people are choosing to remain where they are rather than seeking another job.  But, while they remain, the most ambitious will be looking for better job opportunities within their organisation.

So, let’s look at some suggestions that may help you to increase your profile and build your professional reputation.

As we know, image is everything.  If your dress appearance is untidy, that is probably how your work will be seen and don’t forget we are all salespeople, whether we are selling ideas to investors, team members or a company vision to prospective employees.

Discipline

You may have an entrepreneurial mind - one that is creative with ideas emanating from it every day.  But make sure that you see your ideas through to the end.  Don’t keep starting projects and not finishing them.  That is a sure way to lose money and reputation.
 
Build rapport

Of course, networking is essential to identify opportunities and beat the competition.  Getting people on your side, getting them to believe in you and to share in your passion is the name of the game.  People who like you will have faith in you, defend you, want to be with you and to be a part of your success. You need your ‘foot soldiers’ around you, so start recruiting them early.  You may not be collecting new, best friends but you need to get people to listen to you, trust you and be a part of your team.  You need to give respect to them, and to others and in return you will receive respect back.

Focus

It is very easy to get distracted – emails, phone calls, social networking and the like.  The person who gets to the top will be the person who knows how to be firm in refusing to be driven off course, or away from target, by interruptions or offers that will prevent or delay them from focusing on the job in hand.
Be charming

‘Charm’ is a word that is seldom used these days, but I like it and it is the word with which we started.  Charm is the power of pleasing or attracting others through personality or beauty.  Now you may think that you are not beautiful, but beauty comes from within.  It can come from a warm smile, a caring thought, or a kind deed.  We all have the ability to be more courteous and more polite than we are, and we all have the ability of rising above many of those around us.  These gestures, all cost nothing but can bring extraordinary dividends. They give the greatest return on investment that is possible to get, anywhere!

Make sacrifices

Those who get to the top often have to make sacrifices along the way and this is a decision that they have to make if they want to climb that career ladder.  However, getting to the top, takes more than just a ‘pretty face’ and ‘fancy clothes’.  There has to be an inner strength, commitment and determination because the chances are that when one gets there, one doesn’t want to slide down that ladder again.

Good luck.

Key Points

• Looks alone won’t get you to the top
• Be charming but don’t let charm distract you!
• Image is everything – it is how you remembered

If someone is going through a difficult time in their life, it might help them to talk. If there is something they are finding difficult to think through, or something that is rather upsetting, then now might be the time for them to confide in a trusted friend.

This is a person that someone may know well and who is able to listen attentively and non-judgementally to what they are saying and not interrupt them with their own opinions or judgements. It can be difficult to hold back personal opinions but that is exactly what is required at such times from a confidante.

However, a trusted friend who is also a good listener is a rare breed of person. Of course, you may think that you are a good listener but active listening is an ability to put your own thoughts on hold whilst giving the speaker your full attention.

Making the time to listen

Active listening takes time and one cannot always stop all else in order to listen attentively. In such an instance, therefore, you would need to sensitively postpone the conversation to another time in the near future without the person concerned feeling rejected. In an ideal world, we would always be able to make time to listen but very often our busy lives do not give us the opportunity to do this.

And what about the person who wants to talk? They may have been feeling anxious and upset for some time but are concerned about approaching you on a personal matter and taking up your time. They know you are busy and have plenty of other things on your mind. Nevertheless, one day, they may summon up the courage to ask if you have the time to talk.

The manner in which you respond to them will make all the difference to helping them feel valued and worthwhile. If that particular moment is inconvenient then it could be really helpful to suggest a firm time later in the day. The main point is not to be dismissive but to show positive interest and concern where appropriate.

Active listening is a communication technique used in counselling, training and conflict resolution, which requires the listener to feedback what they hear to the speaker, by way of re-stating or paraphrasing what they have heard in their own words, to confirm what has been said and moreover, to confirm the understanding of both parties.

To use the active listening technique to improve interpersonal communication, one puts personal emotions aside during the conversation, asks questions and paraphrases back to the speaker to clarify understanding, and one also tries to overcome all types of environmental distractions. Judging or arguing prematurely is a result of holding onto a strict personal opinion. This hinders the ability to be able to listen closely to what is being said. Eye contact and appropriate body language are seen as important components to active listening. The stress and intonation may also keep them active and away from interruptions.

Being a good listener does not require you to be a counsellor nor does it remove the need for people to seek professional counselling support where appropriate. Professional counsellors are trained to listen and to support people through difficult personal issues and to propose changes in order to better deal with current and/or future problems and challenges. Their remit is to improve the life of the person seeking help and provide a more objective viewpoint with a greater perspective on how to deal with their problems.

In all our lives, there is a place both for an attentive listener and sometimes also for a professional counsellor. The phrase of ‘a problem halved is a problem solved’ comes to mind and, of course, it doesn’t really matter where the help or support comes from, provided it is helpful to the person who requires it.

Key Points

• Being able to talk through a problem is important
• Try to always be an active listener
• We all need a ‘sounding board’ from time to time

Arguably, Valentines Day means more things to more people than virtually any other day of the year.

For those of us who have a partner, it can be an opportunity for joy and celebration - but also a potential minefield where forgetfulness or a wrong decision can risk damaging an otherwise healthy relationship. And that’s assuming, of course, that we are happy. If we are not, the pressure of trying to pretend to be can simply heighten our feelings of discontent, possibly even reopening wounds from that other great relationship-buster - the festive season.

Raising Expectations

Then there are those of us who are not currently in a relationship but would like to be. In this instance, the day presents a unique opportunity to express our feelings and desires – but again with the potential sting in the tail that if these are not reciprocated, we risk having them dashed, and becoming the loser in a game that might otherwise have yet to be played.

And then of course there are those of us in neither category - for whom the shops with their apparently limitless appetite for anything remotely heart-shaped are simply a reminder of what might have been, and therefore a source of additional sadness and heartache.

Finally, there are those who fall into none of these groups, seeing the day instead as just another example of rampant commercialism, and a cause of yet more unnecessary expense.

Take Care

Whichever category you find yourself in – be careful! Think through what you want to do. Prepare properly, and don’t leave everything until the last minute. Try not to get too carried away with excessive or inappropriate gifts or gestures. And remember that whatever you might personally think about Valentines Day, get it wrong and it could take your partner (real or intended) until at least this time next year before they forgive you!!

As December and the holiday period can be a time of over-eating and disturbed sleep due to too much food and too little exercise, I thought it might be useful to look at some of the causes of sleeplessness or insomnia.  Some of my clients complain they either cannot fall asleep when they go to bed or they wake up at around 3 a.m. with their mind full of problems and things to do from home or work that seem insurmountable, during the night, and which prevent them from going back to sleep again. Consequently, at 6.30am when they need to get up, they feel unrefreshed and tired and certainly not ready for their day ahead.

If this happens to you, then maybe try some of these ways to help you through the night:

1. Don't eat heavy meals late at night.  Think about what you are going to eat before you eat it.  People who eat small meals at least four hours before bedtime are more likely to sleep well right through the night.  A balanced diet consisting of fruit and vegetables, wholegrain carbohydrates, oily fish, nuts, seeds, lean meat and plenty of water can help promote good sleep.  Of course, if you drink coffee in the evening, you are probably going to have to visit the bathroom and as caffeine is a strong stimulant, you may take a long time to get to sleep after your Americano or expresso! It has been said that for every cup of coffee after 8pm in the evening, you can lose one hour’s sleep!

2. Exercise:  naturally not at night, but research shows that some regular exercise during the day can assist you to enjoy a restful night’s sleep, every night.

3. Make yourself comfortable:  Establish a peaceful routine before you go to bed.  Make sure that your bedroom is quiet and comfortable and not too hot.  If you have air-conditioning it should be set not higher than about 18 C, or preferably a little lower to be conducive to restful sleep. Obviously, noise should be kept to a minimum with no TV or other music intruding upon your rest. Your bedroom should be an oasis relaxation and peace.   You should remove all electronic equipment on standby from your room and that includes televisions, radios, routers, computers, iPads, eReaders, games consoles and, of course, cellphones.  Many times clients say to me that they have their phones next to their bed which, of course means that not only are they are disturbed by the charging lights but they are also not consciously switching off at night as they are keeping themselves always on call.    And TFT digital lit computer screens have been found to disrupt the sleep-promoting neurons in your brain.  Better to have an old-fashioned book next to your bed!

4. Don't lie-in late:  it is very tempting to stay in bed in the morning if you have had a disturbed night but that could just be getting you into a bad habit.  Your body will start to get used to this pattern and whereas it might work at the weekend, it will not be beneficial if you have to rush to your job during the week.  If you feel regularly tired during the afternoon, then try to take a cat-nap for 20 minutes which you could do during your lunch hour. When you awake, you can feel hugely refreshed and ready for an afternoon’s work.

5. Feeling worried or anxious?  It could be worth trying a herbal remedy.  If you find one that is natural and non-addictive, then you will not have to worry about becoming dependent on it and the very fact that you have taken something may help your mind relax and assist your dropping-off to sleep naturally.   

Finally, going to sleep is an activity of its own.  It needs planning and preparation. Your room should be somewhere that you happy to be in and somewhere that is your haven of peace, your ‘dar es salaam’, far away from the frenetic world in which you may live.

So plan it, enjoy it and recharge your batteries for the next day ahead. Have a good night and pleasant dreams!

Key Points

• Your bedroom needs to be quiet, cool and peaceful
• Coffee and other stimulants can rob you of sleep
• A 20 minute cat-nap at lunchtime can energise you

Relationships are central to our health and wellbeing and can be one of the most rewarding aspects of our life. There can be nothing more important than having someone to whom you can speak, and to know that they care for your welfare. Friendships can permeate your life and have an impact on your career, marriage, family, children and health – they can enrich your existence every day.

However, for a friendship to work, there has be a balance between the two parties – not one person having their needs met whilst others are overlooked.

Of course, not all relationships prove to be long-lasting. Unfortunately, there are instances when a friendship can turn sour and instead of it bringing happiness into your life, it deteriorates and starts to do more harm than good.

Noticing a change

You may not notice the change immediately although you do start to wonder what has happened. You are aware that you’ve recently started to screen your phone-calls to avoid speaking to someone who leaves you feel mentally drained, exhausted and who is often instrumental in bringing about a negative shift in your mood that can remain with you for the rest of the day. At first, you believe that it is your feelings that have changed but then, when you think about it, you realize that it is the attitude of your friend that has altered. Certainly, the relationship is not as it was. The days when you used to anticipate seeing each other are now dreaded. After spending time with them, you feel down. You now see that whilst the relationship in the early days was fun and even exciting, it is now stale and sometimes even toxic. You make excuses to yourself for the other party’s behaviour, and to your other friends who have commented on your mood swings. Anything, but to address what is really going on in your relationship. You remind yourself that you have known this person for many years and so you try and hold onto what you had in the past rather than what you now have in the present.

The problem is that relationships are always subject to change because they involve our emotions, and these emotions and those of our friends are influenced by varied factors – many of which we, and they, have little control. And this is invariably reflected in our mood and/or behaviour.

Some close friendships can, of course, just drift apart naturally when the interests that initially joined them together, slowly or suddenly, come to an end.

In all these cases, you worry about what to say and how to frame your words. The friendship that had grown over a period of time has now become more of a duty because the factors that initiated it in the beginning have either changed, disappeared or become redundant and you have no script on how to bring it to an end.

You know you don't want to intentionally upset the other person involved but you also know that it will not be easy and that they will be hurt. So you formulate a script in your head and maybe rehearse it a few times in the mirror before the dreaded day.

Breaking the news

There is no question that it is difficult to end any friendship but once you have made the decision to close the chapter, then it is important to be clear with the person about your intentions. Crucially, it’s essential to let them know that you’re ending the friendship because of the way it makes you feel – not because of who they are as an individual. Although relationships may be based on ethnicity or cultural interests, they are maintained by emotion. Unfortunately, we are usually unable to control our emotional responses either to

another person or even to inanimate factors such as the environment. That means that sometimes we all have to make changes in our personal life – changes that will enable us to grow and move on.

The question to ask yourself is, can you see your present friendship as a part of your future? And if you cannot, then maybe it’s time to let it go.

Key Points

• Friendships enhance our lives
• Relationships, like the weather, always change
• Sometimes, breaking bonds is a necessity