If someone is going through a difficult time in their life, it might help them to talk. If there is something they are finding difficult to think through, or something that is rather upsetting, then now might be the time for them to confide in a trusted friend.
This is a person that someone may know well and who is able to listen attentively and non-judgementally to what they are saying and not interrupt them with their own opinions or judgements. It can be difficult to hold back personal opinions but that is exactly what is required at such times from a confidante.
However, a trusted friend who is also a good listener is a rare breed of person. Of course, you may think that you are a good listener but active listening is an ability to put your own thoughts on hold whilst giving the speaker your full attention.
Making the time to listen
Active listening takes time and one cannot always stop all else in order to listen attentively. In such an instance, therefore, you would need to sensitively postpone the conversation to another time in the near future without the person concerned feeling rejected. In an ideal world, we would always be able to make time to listen but very often our busy lives do not give us the opportunity to do this.
And what about the person who wants to talk? They may have been feeling anxious and upset for some time but are concerned about approaching you on a personal matter and taking up your time. They know you are busy and have plenty of other things on your mind. Nevertheless, one day, they may summon up the courage to ask if you have the time to talk.
The manner in which you respond to them will make all the difference to helping them feel valued and worthwhile. If that particular moment is inconvenient then it could be really helpful to suggest a firm time later in the day. The main point is not to be dismissive but to show positive interest and concern where appropriate.
Active listening is a communication technique used in counselling, training and conflict resolution, which requires the listener to feedback what they hear to the speaker, by way of re-stating or paraphrasing what they have heard in their own words, to confirm what has been said and moreover, to confirm the understanding of both parties.
To use the active listening technique to improve interpersonal communication, one puts personal emotions aside during the conversation, asks questions and paraphrases back to the speaker to clarify understanding, and one also tries to overcome all types of environmental distractions. Judging or arguing prematurely is a result of holding onto a strict personal opinion. This hinders the ability to be able to listen closely to what is being said. Eye contact and appropriate body language are seen as important components to active listening. The stress and intonation may also keep them active and away from interruptions.
Being a good listener does not require you to be a counsellor nor does it remove the need for people to seek professional counselling support where appropriate. Professional counsellors are trained to listen and to support people through difficult personal issues and to propose changes in order to better deal with current and/or future problems and challenges. Their remit is to improve the life of the person seeking help and provide a more objective viewpoint with a greater perspective on how to deal with their problems.
In all our lives, there is a place both for an attentive listener and sometimes also for a professional counsellor. The phrase of ‘a problem halved is a problem solved’ comes to mind and, of course, it doesn’t really matter where the help or support comes from, provided it is helpful to the person who requires it.
Key Points
- Being able to talk through a problem is important
- Try to always be an active listener
- We all need a ‘sounding board’ from time to time
Relationships are central to our health and wellbeing and can be one of the most rewarding aspects of our life. There can be nothing more important than having someone to whom you can speak, and to know that they care for your welfare. Friendships can permeate your life and have an impact on your career, marriage, family, children and health – they can enrich your existence every day.
However, for a friendship to work, there has be a balance between the two parties – not one person having their needs met whilst others are overlooked.
Of course, not all relationships prove to be long-lasting. Unfortunately, there are instances when a friendship can turn sour and instead of it bringing happiness into your life, it deteriorates and starts to do more harm than good.
Noticing a change
You may not notice the change immediately although you do start to wonder what has happened. You are aware that you’ve recently started to screen your phone-calls to avoid speaking to someone who leaves you feel mentally drained, exhausted and who is often instrumental in bringing about a negative shift in your mood that can remain with you for the rest of the day. At first, you believe that it is your feelings that have changed but then, when you think about it, you realize that it is the attitude of your friend that has altered. Certainly, the relationship is not as it was. The days when you used to anticipate seeing each other are now dreaded. After spending time with them, you feel down. You now see that whilst the relationship in the early days was fun and even exciting, it is now stale and sometimes even toxic. You make excuses to yourself for the other party’s behaviour, and to your other friends who have commented on your mood swings. Anything, but to address what is really going on in your relationship. You remind yourself that you have known this person for many years and so you try and hold onto what you had in the past rather than what you now have in the present.
The problem is that relationships are always subject to change because they involve our emotions, and these emotions and those of our friends are influenced by varied factors – many of which we, and they, have little control. And this is invariably reflected in our mood and/or behaviour.
Some close friendships can, of course, just drift apart naturally when the interests that initially joined them together, slowly or suddenly, come to an end.
In all these cases, you worry about what to say and how to frame your words. The friendship that had grown over a period of time has now become more of a duty because the factors that initiated it in the beginning have either changed, disappeared or become redundant and you have no script on how to bring it to an end.
You know you don't want to intentionally upset the other person involved but you also know that it will not be easy and that they will be hurt. So you formulate a script in your head and maybe rehearse it a few times in the mirror before the dreaded day.
Breaking the news
There is no question that it is difficult to end any friendship but once you have made the decision to close the chapter, then it is important to be clear with the person about your intentions. Crucially, it’s essential to let them know that you’re ending the friendship because of the way it makes you feel – not because of who they are as an individual. Although relationships may be based on ethnicity or cultural interests, they are maintained by emotion. Unfortunately, we are usually unable to control our emotional responses either to
another person or even to inanimate factors such as the environment. That means that sometimes we all have to make changes in our personal life – changes that will enable us to grow and move on.
The question to ask yourself is, can you see your present friendship as a part of your future? And if you cannot, then maybe it’s time to let it go.
Key Points
- Friendships enhance our lives
- Relationships, like the weather, always change
- Sometimes, breaking bonds is a necessity
My last blog shared tips that could help the relationships of those who are in lockdown with their partner. This week, I want to focus on those who are isolating away from their partner, and how this could be an opportunity to strengthen your relationship.
After the lockdown measures were put in place due to the current pandemic, many people found themselves separated from their loved ones, unable to directly see and spend time together. Obviously, you will be missing your partner, deprived of their physical contact and emotional connection even though you can engage in video calls, phone calls and text messages, it will not be able to fill the void of face-to-face contact. My walk-and-talk sessions may help you navigate these emotions you’re faced with, and the stress and anxiety you might feel as a result.
Here are some tips to aid your relationship whilst you’re separated:
- - Send them something physical.
Although technology will be useful for keeping in touch throughout lockdown, there is something special about something you can actually hold, knowing that they also held that too. Think about a letter you could send to them. They get to see your handwriting and touch the paper where your hands have been. It’s much more personal and can aid in feeling close to one another.
- - Keep perspective.
If you were not spending this time apart, it would mean that you would need to be living together. Right now, living with loved ones brings its own set of challenges. If you have found yourself in this situation, my last article shares tips on how to manage this. Boundaries are blurred between our professional and personal lives. Spending all our time together means that we may not actively be making time for one another. While you are not used to spending so little time together, the opposite of this is spending so much time together which is also an unfamiliar situation. One that you don’t know how you would respond to as a couple.
- - Think about your reunion.
It is thought that missing your partner can lead to greater feelings of commitment when you are reunited. The relationship may benefit from positivity, openness and assurance going forwards. Being apart means that your relationship becomes more idealised than realistic. You’re not getting into arguments about the little things that bother you, instead you’re fantasising about all the things you can do together once this is over.
- - Take this time to work on yourself and develop some of your other significant relationships.
When you get used to spending most of your free time with one person, you can forget to pursue the activities that you enjoy, and prioritise the relationships that were important to you. Try making contact with an old friend or family member that you might not have spoken with lately. Use this opportunity to pick up hobbies or begin new ones such as baking, reading, yoga or running. This can have positive effects on the relationship once you are brought back together.
- - Focus on the time you do have together.
If you segment your time as individual and together, it can help you to get things done that are important to you in your own time, leaving yourself completely available when you engage in video chats or phone calls. If you spend the time together checking your phone or doing the dishes, you are not actively participating in spending time together. The other person might feel as if you aren’t listening to them and this might hurt their feelings. Make sure you are present every time you get the chance to speak.
- - When you do reunite, keep in mind that adjustments might need to be made.
You will likely go from not seeing much of them at all to suddenly being around one another all the time. It’s the same as when people retire and find themselves being connected much more with their partner, and this isn’t always a good thing. Recognise that things may be turbulent and stressful to begin with, and that you may have to make room for one another again. Be aware that they may have changed as a person, and you may have to reacquaint yourselves with one another, no matter how much time has gone by.
Remember that the sacrifices you are making are to benefit your health and the health of your loved ones, and these will not last forever. It is important to remain hopeful during these troubled times, and to know how to manage your own stress and anxieties. Many of my clients make a time to speak to me [in confidence] when they go for a walk and are by themselves and have a clear mind. Whatever your problems are, there is always someone who will listen – you just need to look.
Keep looking forward to the day we can all be reunited with our loved ones. In the meantime, stay safe and look after yourselves.
On the 1st June, The Independent published an article claiming that whilst the UK lockdown seems to be easing, the new lockdown rules in England have made it illegal for couples who do not live together to have sex indoors, placing much strain on relationships.
So What Are The New Lockdown Rules?
As of the 1st June, The Health Protection Regulations are restricting where people can sleep and gather together. The law defines a gathering: “There is a gathering when two or more people are present together in the same place in order to engage in any form of social interaction with each other, or to undertake any other activity with each other.”
This will mean that gatherings of more than six people in an outdoor space will be prohibited, as well as gatherings of two or more people indoors.
It will also be made illegal to stay overnight outside of your own home without a reasonable excuse. This is said to include moving home, attending funerals, escaping harm or providing care. It does NOT include couples who do not live together, meaning they can see each other in outdoor spaces but not inside.
So Sex Is STILL Off The Table
Pre-existing laws make it illegal to have sex in outdoor places due to public indecency and indecent exposure, therefore many couples who have spent months apart, and are now permitted to reunite, are still unable to have sex.
Although the UK lockdown seems to be easing, the regulations are becoming stricter about what we are able to do with other people in our households and those outside of them. Many couples have experienced strain on their relationships after the lockdown measures previously banned those couples who did not live together from meeting.
This meant that couples were either forced to go without seeing one another beginning on the 24 March, or were encouraged to move in together if they wanted to continue seeing each other. This has likely placed much strain on relationships as individuals have either had to deal with missing their partner and experiencing feelings of loneliness, or had to jump into a situation that their relationship may not have been ready for, resulting in its own set of challenges.
At the start of lockdown when the infection rate and the death rate was still very high, it was obvious why this was the case. If individuals were switching between different households, it would defeat the purpose of reducing social contact and would encourage transmission of the virus.
Is Anyone Exempt?
The new provision from the Health Protection Regulations includes a long list of exemptions, including for athletes that need to train and for children with separated parents. It does not include couples who live in different households.
Although police officers are not permitted to physically remove individuals from indoor private properties, fines can be given, although it is thought that the new lockdown rules are too vague to be enforceable with many questioning the nature of a gathering.
What You Can Do About It
If you are experiencing challenges in your relationships, perhaps you’re worried about your future, maybe you’re experiencing loneliness or heartbreak, then maybe a confidential chat with me could be helpful. Sometimes all it takes is for somebody to listen.
