Relationship Advice for New Couples
When the lockdown was announced, couples were forced to make a big decision: move in together or face the consequences of separation. Many couples made the former choice and fast-tracked their relationship to the next level even though this might not have been something they would have considered for weeks or months, coining the term ‘turbo relationships’.
Turbo Relationships Are Working!
It turns out that making that premature milestone, ignoring the relationship advice from friends or snarky remarks from family, has actually worked! Dating sites like eharmony and Relate have found that new couples that moved in together are feeling more committed than before and now know they want to spend their lives together.
Why?
You’ve probably found this yourself when you live with friends or family members, you reach a stage where you talk to each other constantly about anything and everything, providing the opportunity to learn about your partner’s life experiences, childhood and dreams. Relationship therapists and experts are explaining this through the fact that these couples have been able to get to know one another’s interests and personalities better as well as taking their sexual relationship to new heights.
You've been there for each other
It has also meant that whilst struggling with the impact of the lockdown, experiencing stress, loneliness or even just feeling a bit down at times, you’ve been able to see many different sides to your partner and you’ve been able to help one another out of the low points, solidifying your bond.
You've been a priority
Before lockdown, our lives were filled with other commitments - family, friends, work, hobbies. However throughout lockdown, many of these pressures have been eliminated or reduced with people working from home, unable to see their friends and families and no longer having the option to attend events or activities. There have been virtually no distractions and there’s been no pressure to do anything but spend time with one another.
You've helped each other out
Some couples have realised that living together eases some of their daily stressors, having somebody there to make dinner when you’re busy with work or too tired to cook, sharing the cleaning duties or taking it in turns to do the shopping as opposed to doing everything yourself. This also reveals a compassionate, sensitive and understanding side to a person, increasing attraction and enabling yourself to view them as a possible long-term relationship.
Will Turbo Relationships Continue to be Successful Post-Lockdown?
Obviously this will depend on the relationship and the way they re-enter their post-lockdown lives. One way to look at it is that solid foundations have been laid throughout this time, providing more strength and stability to navigate their way through later obstacles. New couples now know that they either were or weren’t ready for that next stage of the relationship and adjustments can be made if needed. They also made it through one of the most unprecedented and difficult times in recent years which has to provide some confidence.
Relationship Advice
One of the most important pieces of relationship advice I give to clients is to make time for one another. Building and maintaining a relationship takes time and effort. They need to see each other regularly and be present during these periods. Throughout lockdown, many couples will have realised how lucky they are to have one another and also, how much they’ve enjoyed spending their time together. This means that going forward, couples might choose to spend time together rather than seeing friends every weekend, and making the most of their evenings together rather than working late and checking their emails constantly.
For those turbo relationships that have used the lockdown as an opportunity to learn about one another, value and appreciate each other, and have genuinely enjoyed spending all of their time together should definitely feel confident heading into the next chapter of their lives.
Time will tell.
My last blog shared tips that could help the relationships of those who are in lockdown with their partner. This week, I want to focus on those who are isolating away from their partner, and how this could be an opportunity to strengthen your relationship.
After the lockdown measures were put in place due to the current pandemic, many people found themselves separated from their loved ones, unable to directly see and spend time together. Obviously, you will be missing your partner, deprived of their physical contact and emotional connection even though you can engage in video calls, phone calls and text messages, it will not be able to fill the void of face-to-face contact. My walk-and-talk sessions may help you navigate these emotions you’re faced with, and the stress and anxiety you might feel as a result.
Here are some tips to aid your relationship whilst you’re separated:
- - Send them something physical.
Although technology will be useful for keeping in touch throughout lockdown, there is something special about something you can actually hold, knowing that they also held that too. Think about a letter you could send to them. They get to see your handwriting and touch the paper where your hands have been. It’s much more personal and can aid in feeling close to one another.
- - Keep perspective.
If you were not spending this time apart, it would mean that you would need to be living together. Right now, living with loved ones brings its own set of challenges. If you have found yourself in this situation, my last article shares tips on how to manage this. Boundaries are blurred between our professional and personal lives. Spending all our time together means that we may not actively be making time for one another. While you are not used to spending so little time together, the opposite of this is spending so much time together which is also an unfamiliar situation. One that you don’t know how you would respond to as a couple.
- - Think about your reunion.
It is thought that missing your partner can lead to greater feelings of commitment when you are reunited. The relationship may benefit from positivity, openness and assurance going forwards. Being apart means that your relationship becomes more idealised than realistic. You’re not getting into arguments about the little things that bother you, instead you’re fantasising about all the things you can do together once this is over.
- - Take this time to work on yourself and develop some of your other significant relationships.
When you get used to spending most of your free time with one person, you can forget to pursue the activities that you enjoy, and prioritise the relationships that were important to you. Try making contact with an old friend or family member that you might not have spoken with lately. Use this opportunity to pick up hobbies or begin new ones such as baking, reading, yoga or running. This can have positive effects on the relationship once you are brought back together.
- - Focus on the time you do have together.
If you segment your time as individual and together, it can help you to get things done that are important to you in your own time, leaving yourself completely available when you engage in video chats or phone calls. If you spend the time together checking your phone or doing the dishes, you are not actively participating in spending time together. The other person might feel as if you aren’t listening to them and this might hurt their feelings. Make sure you are present every time you get the chance to speak.
- - When you do reunite, keep in mind that adjustments might need to be made.
You will likely go from not seeing much of them at all to suddenly being around one another all the time. It’s the same as when people retire and find themselves being connected much more with their partner, and this isn’t always a good thing. Recognise that things may be turbulent and stressful to begin with, and that you may have to make room for one another again. Be aware that they may have changed as a person, and you may have to reacquaint yourselves with one another, no matter how much time has gone by.
Remember that the sacrifices you are making are to benefit your health and the health of your loved ones, and these will not last forever. It is important to remain hopeful during these troubled times, and to know how to manage your own stress and anxieties. Many of my clients make a time to speak to me [in confidence] when they go for a walk and are by themselves and have a clear mind. Whatever your problems are, there is always someone who will listen – you just need to look.
Keep looking forward to the day we can all be reunited with our loved ones. In the meantime, stay safe and look after yourselves.
Lockdown is an unprecedented event that is completely out of our control. This is leading to an increase in stress and anxiety, placing a good deal of strain on our relationships.
We’re spending more time than ever with the people inside our household and we’re also not permitted to leave these households except for what the government has allowed. Our partners become our main source of social support and interaction as we’re unable to visit other relatives and spend time with our friends.
Walk with Me
You might have also found yourself facing entirely new circumstances in your daily life such as working from home, looking after the children 24/7 and staying on top of household chores. It is normal to feel overwhelmed during these tough times, and it might even cause stress for many people as they struggle with a lack of control over their own lives. This is why I have been offering walk-and-talk conversations to people when they go for their daily walk. These are completely confidential and can help change the way you think and feel, altering your response to these stressful circumstances.
It is important to look after yourself throughout this difficult time and protect those relationships that bring you joy and happiness. These tips may help you to avoid problems in relationships whilst faced with the stress and anxiety of lockdown.
1.Put YOU First
If you fail to take care of yourself properly, it is likely that you’ll be less effective at nurturing your relationship. Lockdown is placing a lot of responsibility on your partner as for many, they’ve become your only source of stress relief and social interaction. Try to acknowledge and understand what you are feeling each day. Whether that is anger, sadness, loneliness or even guilt. Spend a certain period of each day doing something for yourself whether that is meditating, reading a book or going for a walk. Benefit from those mood-boosting endorphins by incorporating exercise into your routine each day, and remember to stay connected with friends and family through messages, phone calls and video calls.
2.Daily Check-Ups
Think about all the feelings you’ve experienced in the past weeks. Your partner is most likely experiencing the same. Spending lots of time with somebody can mean that you’re less likely to ask them how they’re feeling, as you might assume you already know. After all, you’re around each other almost every minute of every day. But people can be very good at hiding their true feelings and pretending that everything is fine to avoid being a burden to their loved ones. Try asking open-ended questions to get an accurate sense of how they are actually feeling. You could say…‘how was your day today?’, ‘what can I do to help you with that?’ ‘what are you thinking about right now?’
3.Date Night
Spending every day together can mean that you fail to make time for each other, and simply exist around each other instead. Try to include ‘date nights’ or activities that allow you to actively spend time being around one another. This can be crucial to avoiding relationship problems. Maybe you go for your walk together, take up a new hobby together, or cook an elaborate meal for the two of you to enjoy.
4.Downtime
You might still be working, have elderly or vulnerable family members that need checking up on regularly, or maybe you have children to attend to. Whichever it is, you’re likely to require some downtime of your own. Be clear about the working hours you will stick to whilst working from home, so that you and your partner know not to disturb the other during these times. Try to give each other space during the day to allow them to do something for themselves - away from the children or any other distractions.
5.Sharing is Caring
Now that you’re all spending more time within the household, it’s likely that there’s lots more to do. You’ll be making all your own meals rather than grabbing a lunch deal on your break which means they’ll be more washing up, cleaning up and tidying. If one person ends up doing everything, resentment and frustration is likely to increase. Create a schedule, dividing up the daily tasks that need to be done and let your partner know if you’re struggling to stay on top of things. If you’re supporting children, pass over these duties to your partner to give yourself a breather. In these tough times, we must support each other, but remember that your partner is not a mind reader. You need to ask for help when you need it. And remember, sometimes it is not what you say, but how you say it that matters.
6.Be Grateful
The challenge is far from over and will continue to test our strength, resilience and tolerance. Try to remember that everyone is doing their best. Be grateful for the little things someone does for you. Appreciate the efforts they go to support you or your family. It is important to tell each other that you’re grateful for what they’re doing, that you notice something, and you appreciate it. The more you express gratitude for something, the more you find yourself noticing things to express gratitude over. It makes them feel good to hear it and it makes you feel good for showing it, aiding your relationship during lockdown.
Remember, you are not alone. There is someone here to listen to what you’re going through. Look after yourself and look after those around you.
