Arguably, Valentines Day means more things to more people than virtually any other day of the year.
For those of us who have a partner, it can be an opportunity for joy and celebration - but also a potential minefield where forgetfulness or a wrong decision can risk damaging an otherwise healthy relationship. And that’s assuming, of course, that we are happy. If we are not, the pressure of trying to pretend to be can simply heighten our feelings of discontent, possibly even reopening wounds from that other great relationship-buster - the festive season.
Raising Expectations
Then there are those of us who are not currently in a relationship but would like to be. In this instance, the day presents a unique opportunity to express our feelings and desires – but again with the potential sting in the tail that if these are not reciprocated, we risk having them dashed, and becoming the loser in a game that might otherwise have yet to be played.
And then of course there are those of us in neither category - for whom the shops with their apparently limitless appetite for anything remotely heart-shaped are simply a reminder of what might have been, and therefore a source of additional sadness and heartache.
Finally, there are those who fall into none of these groups, seeing the day instead as just another example of rampant commercialism, and a cause of yet more unnecessary expense.
Take Care
Whichever category you find yourself in – be careful! Think through what you want to do. Prepare properly, and don’t leave everything until the last minute. Try not to get too carried away with excessive or inappropriate gifts or gestures. And remember that whatever you might personally think about Valentines Day, get it wrong and it could take your partner (real or intended) until at least this time next year before they forgive you!!
Is there someone in your office with whom you find it challenging to deal? Is your life at work being harmed by a difficult relationship? That difficulty could be with a colleague, a business partner, a manager, director, customer or supplier. You may be spending time at night worrying about it; thinking about it constantly and/or discussing it with colleagues, husband or wife.
It is often said that we cannot choose our family and therefore need to learn how to manage our relationships with them - and the same applies to those at work. If a particular individual is not to our personal liking – for any reason – then because we do not have the luxury of walking away, we need to find a basis upon which to communicate. We all have a job to do and we need to be able to communicate well with everyone in our team. That still applies even if you are a sole practitioner, as you will need to communicate politely with clients/ customers, who you may not like, for otherwise you will have no business!
5 Quick Tips for You
So let’s look at some strategies that will hopefully take you from actively disliking someone, to accepting them for who and what they are.
Value the differences: Being human, we all naturally relate better and more quickly to those we perceive as being like us. The solution is to correctly identify the differences and to value the dissimilarities and variances between personalities and cultures. (Think about it: if oranges, apples and mangoes were all the same shape, colour and taste – meals would be very boring!)
The 24-hour wait: If someone has said or done something that you don't like, then endeavour not to react immediately. Try ‘sleeping on it’ and your perspective may well be different in the morning, plus the way that you decide to deal with the situation may be more professional and better considered.
Talk it out: If you really have a continuing problem with someone, you can just ‘bury your head in the sand’ and become more angry and frustrated or, alternatively, you can take the initiative and arrange a convenient time and place to talk. I appreciate that in the short term you may not wish to do this but in the long term, it could have measurable benefits to your relationship and subsequent interaction. (This applies whether the individual is above you or below you in the corporative hierarchical structure).
Therefore [a] Choose a time and place [b] acknowledge there are problems between you [c] outline the conduct that you find a problem, and give examples [d] explain how this affects you and [e] find out what you can both do to improve the relationship.
This should be a two-way communication without appropriating blame on either side, plus an opportunity to negotiate issues and find a common way forward that is acceptable to you both.
Be positive and interested: If you don't like someone, it is tempting to share these feeling with your fellow colleagues but this is just the time for tact and diplomacy. Gossiping can destroy morale and productivity and however unpopular the other person may be; it can also impact and damage your own reputation. If you need to offload your feelings, then find a trusted friend or even a family member who will listen and allow you to vent your feelings, safely.
Look from the other person’s perspective: This will mean putting your own views and judgments to one side and looking at the problem as if you were the other individual. With this technique of being empathic, it can be surprising how different a relationship can look from the other side!
Of course, such a relationship will only improve if you both really want it and are prepared to work at it and maybe make concessions. ‘Rome wasn't built in a day’ and it may take more than one meeting to improve the connection and to establish a rapport but if you both are willing to take this tangible and positive, first step, then you may well find that the rest will follow far more easily than you first thought possible.
Have a Chat
Get in touch if you have a relationship at work or at home and would like to have a confidential chat. https://bit.ly/2BGSXJC
Relationship Advice for New Couples
When the lockdown was announced, couples were forced to make a big decision: move in together or face the consequences of separation. Many couples made the former choice and fast-tracked their relationship to the next level even though this might not have been something they would have considered for weeks or months, coining the term ‘turbo relationships’.
Turbo Relationships Are Working!
It turns out that making that premature milestone, ignoring the relationship advice from friends or snarky remarks from family, has actually worked! Dating sites like eharmony and Relate have found that new couples that moved in together are feeling more committed than before and now know they want to spend their lives together.
Why?
You’ve probably found this yourself when you live with friends or family members, you reach a stage where you talk to each other constantly about anything and everything, providing the opportunity to learn about your partner’s life experiences, childhood and dreams. Relationship therapists and experts are explaining this through the fact that these couples have been able to get to know one another’s interests and personalities better as well as taking their sexual relationship to new heights.
You've been there for each other
It has also meant that whilst struggling with the impact of the lockdown, experiencing stress, loneliness or even just feeling a bit down at times, you’ve been able to see many different sides to your partner and you’ve been able to help one another out of the low points, solidifying your bond.
You've been a priority
Before lockdown, our lives were filled with other commitments - family, friends, work, hobbies. However throughout lockdown, many of these pressures have been eliminated or reduced with people working from home, unable to see their friends and families and no longer having the option to attend events or activities. There have been virtually no distractions and there’s been no pressure to do anything but spend time with one another.
You've helped each other out
Some couples have realised that living together eases some of their daily stressors, having somebody there to make dinner when you’re busy with work or too tired to cook, sharing the cleaning duties or taking it in turns to do the shopping as opposed to doing everything yourself. This also reveals a compassionate, sensitive and understanding side to a person, increasing attraction and enabling yourself to view them as a possible long-term relationship.
Will Turbo Relationships Continue to be Successful Post-Lockdown?
Obviously this will depend on the relationship and the way they re-enter their post-lockdown lives. One way to look at it is that solid foundations have been laid throughout this time, providing more strength and stability to navigate their way through later obstacles. New couples now know that they either were or weren’t ready for that next stage of the relationship and adjustments can be made if needed. They also made it through one of the most unprecedented and difficult times in recent years which has to provide some confidence.
Relationship Advice
One of the most important pieces of relationship advice I give to clients is to make time for one another. Building and maintaining a relationship takes time and effort. They need to see each other regularly and be present during these periods. Throughout lockdown, many couples will have realised how lucky they are to have one another and also, how much they’ve enjoyed spending their time together. This means that going forward, couples might choose to spend time together rather than seeing friends every weekend, and making the most of their evenings together rather than working late and checking their emails constantly.
For those turbo relationships that have used the lockdown as an opportunity to learn about one another, value and appreciate each other, and have genuinely enjoyed spending all of their time together should definitely feel confident heading into the next chapter of their lives.
Time will tell.
Lockdown is an unprecedented event that is completely out of our control. This is leading to an increase in stress and anxiety, placing a good deal of strain on our relationships.
We’re spending more time than ever with the people inside our household and we’re also not permitted to leave these households except for what the government has allowed. Our partners become our main source of social support and interaction as we’re unable to visit other relatives and spend time with our friends.
Walk with Me
You might have also found yourself facing entirely new circumstances in your daily life such as working from home, looking after the children 24/7 and staying on top of household chores. It is normal to feel overwhelmed during these tough times, and it might even cause stress for many people as they struggle with a lack of control over their own lives. This is why I have been offering walk-and-talk conversations to people when they go for their daily walk. These are completely confidential and can help change the way you think and feel, altering your response to these stressful circumstances.
It is important to look after yourself throughout this difficult time and protect those relationships that bring you joy and happiness. These tips may help you to avoid problems in relationships whilst faced with the stress and anxiety of lockdown.
1.Put YOU First
If you fail to take care of yourself properly, it is likely that you’ll be less effective at nurturing your relationship. Lockdown is placing a lot of responsibility on your partner as for many, they’ve become your only source of stress relief and social interaction. Try to acknowledge and understand what you are feeling each day. Whether that is anger, sadness, loneliness or even guilt. Spend a certain period of each day doing something for yourself whether that is meditating, reading a book or going for a walk. Benefit from those mood-boosting endorphins by incorporating exercise into your routine each day, and remember to stay connected with friends and family through messages, phone calls and video calls.
2.Daily Check-Ups
Think about all the feelings you’ve experienced in the past weeks. Your partner is most likely experiencing the same. Spending lots of time with somebody can mean that you’re less likely to ask them how they’re feeling, as you might assume you already know. After all, you’re around each other almost every minute of every day. But people can be very good at hiding their true feelings and pretending that everything is fine to avoid being a burden to their loved ones. Try asking open-ended questions to get an accurate sense of how they are actually feeling. You could say…‘how was your day today?’, ‘what can I do to help you with that?’ ‘what are you thinking about right now?’
3.Date Night
Spending every day together can mean that you fail to make time for each other, and simply exist around each other instead. Try to include ‘date nights’ or activities that allow you to actively spend time being around one another. This can be crucial to avoiding relationship problems. Maybe you go for your walk together, take up a new hobby together, or cook an elaborate meal for the two of you to enjoy.
4.Downtime
You might still be working, have elderly or vulnerable family members that need checking up on regularly, or maybe you have children to attend to. Whichever it is, you’re likely to require some downtime of your own. Be clear about the working hours you will stick to whilst working from home, so that you and your partner know not to disturb the other during these times. Try to give each other space during the day to allow them to do something for themselves - away from the children or any other distractions.
5.Sharing is Caring
Now that you’re all spending more time within the household, it’s likely that there’s lots more to do. You’ll be making all your own meals rather than grabbing a lunch deal on your break which means they’ll be more washing up, cleaning up and tidying. If one person ends up doing everything, resentment and frustration is likely to increase. Create a schedule, dividing up the daily tasks that need to be done and let your partner know if you’re struggling to stay on top of things. If you’re supporting children, pass over these duties to your partner to give yourself a breather. In these tough times, we must support each other, but remember that your partner is not a mind reader. You need to ask for help when you need it. And remember, sometimes it is not what you say, but how you say it that matters.
6.Be Grateful
The challenge is far from over and will continue to test our strength, resilience and tolerance. Try to remember that everyone is doing their best. Be grateful for the little things someone does for you. Appreciate the efforts they go to support you or your family. It is important to tell each other that you’re grateful for what they’re doing, that you notice something, and you appreciate it. The more you express gratitude for something, the more you find yourself noticing things to express gratitude over. It makes them feel good to hear it and it makes you feel good for showing it, aiding your relationship during lockdown.
Remember, you are not alone. There is someone here to listen to what you’re going through. Look after yourself and look after those around you.
