My last blog shared tips that could help the relationships of those who are in lockdown with their partner. This week, I want to focus on those who are isolating away from their partner, and how this could be an opportunity to strengthen your relationship.
After the lockdown measures were put in place due to the current pandemic, many people found themselves separated from their loved ones, unable to directly see and spend time together. Obviously, you will be missing your partner, deprived of their physical contact and emotional connection even though you can engage in video calls, phone calls and text messages, it will not be able to fill the void of face-to-face contact. My walk-and-talk sessions may help you navigate these emotions you’re faced with, and the stress and anxiety you might feel as a result.
Here are some tips to aid your relationship whilst you’re separated:
- - Send them something physical.
Although technology will be useful for keeping in touch throughout lockdown, there is something special about something you can actually hold, knowing that they also held that too. Think about a letter you could send to them. They get to see your handwriting and touch the paper where your hands have been. It’s much more personal and can aid in feeling close to one another.
- - Keep perspective.
If you were not spending this time apart, it would mean that you would need to be living together. Right now, living with loved ones brings its own set of challenges. If you have found yourself in this situation, my last article shares tips on how to manage this. Boundaries are blurred between our professional and personal lives. Spending all our time together means that we may not actively be making time for one another. While you are not used to spending so little time together, the opposite of this is spending so much time together which is also an unfamiliar situation. One that you don’t know how you would respond to as a couple.
- - Think about your reunion.
It is thought that missing your partner can lead to greater feelings of commitment when you are reunited. The relationship may benefit from positivity, openness and assurance going forwards. Being apart means that your relationship becomes more idealised than realistic. You’re not getting into arguments about the little things that bother you, instead you’re fantasising about all the things you can do together once this is over.
- - Take this time to work on yourself and develop some of your other significant relationships.
When you get used to spending most of your free time with one person, you can forget to pursue the activities that you enjoy, and prioritise the relationships that were important to you. Try making contact with an old friend or family member that you might not have spoken with lately. Use this opportunity to pick up hobbies or begin new ones such as baking, reading, yoga or running. This can have positive effects on the relationship once you are brought back together.
- - Focus on the time you do have together.
If you segment your time as individual and together, it can help you to get things done that are important to you in your own time, leaving yourself completely available when you engage in video chats or phone calls. If you spend the time together checking your phone or doing the dishes, you are not actively participating in spending time together. The other person might feel as if you aren’t listening to them and this might hurt their feelings. Make sure you are present every time you get the chance to speak.
- - When you do reunite, keep in mind that adjustments might need to be made.
You will likely go from not seeing much of them at all to suddenly being around one another all the time. It’s the same as when people retire and find themselves being connected much more with their partner, and this isn’t always a good thing. Recognise that things may be turbulent and stressful to begin with, and that you may have to make room for one another again. Be aware that they may have changed as a person, and you may have to reacquaint yourselves with one another, no matter how much time has gone by.
Remember that the sacrifices you are making are to benefit your health and the health of your loved ones, and these will not last forever. It is important to remain hopeful during these troubled times, and to know how to manage your own stress and anxieties. Many of my clients make a time to speak to me [in confidence] when they go for a walk and are by themselves and have a clear mind. Whatever your problems are, there is always someone who will listen – you just need to look.
Keep looking forward to the day we can all be reunited with our loved ones. In the meantime, stay safe and look after yourselves.
This entire discussion is relatively new; historically, taking your husband’s last name upon marriage wasn’t up for debate. The first American woman to legally maintain her surname was Lucy Stone, who in 1856 became an icon for women who wanted to buck marital traditions (for decades after her, women who kept their names after marriage were known as ‘Lucy Stoners’).
Not all couples divorce when their relationship runs into trouble. Many soldier on remembering that they entered into a partnership “for better or for worse” but what impact does this have on their self-esteem and ultimate happiness?
I know that you will tell me that you know your partner really well and, of course, you may do. However, you may not know them quite as well as you think you do, once you start living together.
As soon as you are considered ‘an item’, your partner may exhibit personal habits that you were not expecting – and which might be even more irritating that leaving the loo seat up or the top off the toothpaste!
The Art of Compromise
Compromise is part of life and an important part of all relationships. Most couples over time become acutely sensitive to each other’s likes and dislikes and learn to make adjustments.
It is very important to be very clear as to what you want and why you want it. It doesn’t mean that by doing so that you will get it, but it does mean that you will both be completely clear as to what is in your mind and there will hopefully be no silly misunderstandings between you that can cause resentment.
Now is certainly the time to have some of those important discussions about your future life together and in particular how you are going to manage important issues such as joint accounts etc.
No matter what is your status, discuss and agree the terms of your relationship so that there are no nasty surprises further down the line!
So get talking!
Carole’s Tips:
• Talk money [joint or separate accounts, careers [who is going to be the career partner, bucket lists [dreams and aspirations] and most of all explore if there are any deal-breakers such as one of you wishing to move abroad and away from family and friends.
• When difficult situations start to occur, don’t just roll your eyes up to heaven but instead sit down and discuss the problem between you
• Diffuse situations as you go along – not keep them simmering inside you and this will hold you in good stead for your future lives together.
• Never leave important issues unresolved as these will tend to come to the surface at the time of an argument and that is not a good thing!
There will always be challenging times in the early years of living together as this is all part of the 'getting to know you' process when two people – particularly of contrary genders - choose to live under the same roof!
Book your on-line confidential consultation with Carole today by clicking here http://bit.ly/2uNz0u9
You will receive a reply within 24 hours, to arrange a time and date with Carole for your consultation.
Growing a Healthy Relationship
Balancing togetherness and individuality is undoubtedly the key to a healthy relationship. Being a couple and at the same time maintaining a strong sense of your individual self is not an easy one but it is important to manage both your need for time together as well as your need for time apart.
Being Independent
There is certainly nothing wrong with being apart in order to do ‘your own thing’, however, it is important to find the middle ground and make sure that both you and your partner have quality time during your day.
You may love shopping but he may hate it so you shop with friends instead. He may love football so he goes to matches with his mates.
Doing things individually helps sustain a healthy relationship but it is important to make time to talk to share your activities when you both meet up again. You can swap ideas and news from your friends or something that really captured your imagination. Conversations such as these will enrich your relationship and bring stimulation and energy to your daily work.
Be reliable and trustworthy
Always follow through on your promises. Ensure that your partner can rely upon what you say. If they cannot trust you, even in small matters, then they will feel unsure about your reliability in important issues. Personal integrity is everything because relationships need trust in order to survive.
Expect ‘stones in the road’, sometimes.
A relationship is a journey, a daily journey, and every so often there will be a ‘stone’ or two in the road that may obstruct your path. So you need to either move it or find a way around it if you wish to get to where you are going. The point to remember is – resist the temptation to kick it! You will just hurt yourself and you will be no further down the road!
Quick Tips
- Work on being neither too distant nor too close. Kahlil Gibran said;
“ Stand together yet not too near together … for the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow”
- Learn the art of compromise and negotiation. Your weekly Friday night out might now become once a fortnight.
- Make sure that when you come back from your trip to the shops or football match that you make time to listen to and share each other’s experiences.
- Take responsibility for your own happiness. It is not up to anyone else to make you happy!
Book your on-line confidential consultation with Carole today. http://bit.ly/2uNz0u9 You will receive a reply within 24 hours, to arrange a time and date with Carole for your consultation.
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